In the mourning
by Not Just a Nerd
Summary: Jeremy is dead, and so is she. But whatever. Elena's thoughts after Jeremy's death, before she switches off her humanity. No pairing. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Diaries or any of its characters, or the song "In the mourning" by Paramore quoted at the beginning.**

"_In the mourning, I'll rise, _

_In the mourning, I'll let you die._

_In the mourning, all my worries…."_

It's one of those moments when she wishes she would open her eyes to the brightly colored posters hanging on the ceiling of her room, and her dad would tell her she was just having a bad dream and her mom would tell her that if she wanted to talk about it she was there, and Aunt Jenna would be laughing around the kitchen downstairs.

She closes her eyes and opens them again.

_Jeremy is still dead._

It's not like she expected this to be a dream, a horrible miserable dream that kept tangling her up in deadly vines, but that was her one last hope, and now it's gone.

_Jeremy is dead._ **For good**. No supernatural ring that turns people into murderers or magical spells with bizarre consequences to bring him back to life this time.

_Jeremy is dead_. It happened again. It always happens to her. Everybody she loves dies- all because of her. She still remembers how her parents drowned that night, because they had to come pick her up, or how Aunt Jenna's heart was ripped out of her chest right in front of her eyes- because she's the stupid doppelganger needed for stupid Klaus' stupid ritual, or how her "father" John Gilbert chose to exchange his life for hers, or how Katherine turned Caroline, or how Alaric died so damn miserably because he was just looking out for her– all because of her.

Yes, she blames herself. It's all her fault. She's the reason Jeremy got into the mess, she should have let him get far away from this town, from this supernatural maze. It's all her fault. She's blamed herself for days on end, but she kept on with her "wake up- eat-sleep- do it all over again" routine just because her little brother needed her. But now the last straw is broken_. Jeremy is dead._ Maybe she can drive a stake through her own heart this time? What reason does she have to live anymore?

Not that she is living- she's been dead for so long she's forgotten what being human really felt like. All she feels now is pain, and pain, and pain. _Jeremy is dead_. There's nothing left for her anymore. All she has now is the humanity that she has been so desperately clinging on to, but what's the point? All it does is make her feel so terrible.

She has to turn it off now.

"No", a part of her reminds her, "compassion is your greatest gift."

_Jeremy is dead_. She snaps back at herself. All her life all she has ever done is tried to be a good person, tried to do what's right, what's best for everyone, always put others' before her. Not a single soul can accuse her of being selfish, or heartless, or mean. All she ever wanted was to protect the ones she loved.

And where did that get her? _Jeremy is dead_. And now all her compassion is bringing her- has ever brought her- is pain.

She has to turn off her humanity now.

She closes her eyes and opens them again. The house doesn't fade, but her dad isn't telling her it's a dream, her mom isn't telling her she can talk to her, and Aunt Jenna isn't laughing.

She knows she _has _to turn her back on this house too now. For good.

She _has to_ burn it all down now. And not look back.

She _has to_ turn off her humanity now.

Before she does, before she _dies_, one last thought echoes through her mind- "Maybe Jeremy is better this way, maybe he's found his peace, maybe he's with Anna now, the way he wanted to be, maybe he's happy, and safe, and Klaus can't touch him, ghosts can't talk to him, and Alaric will scold him if he ever does something stupid, and maybe even mom and dad-"

Numb. She dives right into the middle of the black hole. She finally turns it off. For good. Jeremy is dead, and so is she.

_But whatever. _

**A/n: thanks for reading. Reviews would be great :)**


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